What I hate the most

This illness I have is evil; no question about it. The worst of all parts of it is the “I hate you, don’t leave me” type of stuff. It wants both extremes at the same time. The grey area is unacceptable to it. I hate that I don’t want to be isolated from people, but I also don’t want to be around people because my thin emotional skin causes everything in relationships to hurt. Either what they say or do hurts me, or something I say or do hurts them (or so my brain wants me to believe). In DBT, we’re taught how to attempt to live in the “grey area” of this illness and learn to accept that opposite extremes can both be true and coexist (the dialectic part of DBT). Lately, I’d rather be in my own form of self isolation. I can’t tolerate any more pain. Every word people say, burns. Every little thing I do seems to sting someone, somehow. I feel like I am hurting people constantly by my choices, behaviors, or words. Again, I know this is the illness telling me more lies, but the pain exists nonetheless. Recently, someone pointed out to me that I talk a lot. Which I know is true, in some scenarios. In this instance, I felt like I was being scolded for being loud when others want quiet. I see it. I get it. I know my brain is misleading me. But it makes me want to retreat back into my self isolation where it’s safe and I can’t hurt people. What messed up brain tells you that you’re a bad person/not wanted/etc. because you talk sometimes? It’s hard. I spend so much of my time in the darkness, so when I’m in the light, it’s excites me and maybe I overdo it. (This is the type of stuff that causes people/providers to confuse BPD with bipolar disorders). Then someone says something like this to me, and I retreat back. The quiet, darkness is safe. No one can hurt me there. If I don’t draw attention to myself, they can’t get me. I can’t make someone feel anything bad, if I don’t make contact.

Maybe this is why I prefer to be alone in the woods… no one can hurt me if they can’t find me, and I certainly won’t hurt anyone else.

(How’s THAT for a Friday?! 😏)